How do you feel when you see a girl going through a tough time?

“I feel so helpless,” says Jenna, mother of a 12-year-old who is dealing with multiple stresses. “So much of what’s troubling her seems beyond our control, and I hate seeing her so miserable.”

Protecting children from harm has got to be one of our strongest and most primitive impulses, and yet we’re regularly confronted with our inability to fulfill the impulse completely. No matter what protection we provide, a toddler will inevitably fall and get hurt; a teenager will inevitably fall in love and get hurt. As a girl grows up, she’ll undoubtedly fall short of her own or someone else’s expectations or fall victim to the effects of living in an unpredictable, imperfect, and often unjust world.

Some measure of pain and hardship is inevitable in a girl’s life, but the concept of resilience reminds us that long-term negative consequences are not inevitable. Ten girls might experience the loss of a parent, or a racist comment from a peer, or conflicts with a teacher, but all ten won’t necessarily be affected in the same way.  When a girl develops resiliency, she’ll be able to withstand external difficulty and find something good in herself that will sustain her and build a strong foundation.

What makes some more resilient than others? Child psychologist Emmy Werner conducted a 38-year study of Hawaiian children who began life with a variety of strikes against them. She wanted to identify factors that helped some of the children fare better than others and thrive as emotionally stable adults. The number one factor supporting resilience: the presence of a caring and understanding adult.

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