A frightened-looking tenth grade girl comes into my high-school counseling office, eyes darting, not sure if she even wants to, or can, talk about “it.” Reluctantly she sits down. “It’s not just today,” she says, “but today was the worst. It happens over and over again.” I immediately assume the worst. Rape? Sexual abuse? What could she be so ashamed of?

Slowly she shares her story, her eyes still avoiding mine. Three girls in her social studies class make fun of her clothes every day—her family doesn’t have much money—and today they asked her if she was wearing the same pair of pants that she had already worn twice before this week. The girl says she can’t tell her parents about this—how could she?—and can only foresee suffering in silence and hoping the teasing won’t escalate.

The ongoing violence that is part of this girl’s world isn’t as dramatic or obvious as the cases which result in hallway shoves, hair-pulling, or punching. This violence doesn’t generate the headlines that school shootings do.

But its damage can be profound and long-lasting, because every time a girl encounters humiliation, her self-image corrodes a little further. For many girls, this leads to behaviors that will address the stress or appease the cruel crowd, such as substance abuse or finding another girl to victimize.

The meanness and bullying that I hear girls (and boys) describe in my office isn’t new, but what is different are the mushrooming techniques for cruelty. Our daughters now face technological vehicles—text messages, forwarded camera phone pictures, online journals such as MySpace and Xanga—that can deliver abuse instantly and widely, at all hours and from any place. Sadly, these abusive messages are often ones that kids wouldn’t dare say in person. Yet the effect is just as painful.

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