Grrr. She’s home from school, and once again it’s the familiar replies. There’s the exasperated sigh; then the “Nothing’s new! Why do you always have to ask?” followed by the slammed bedroom door.

Too often, parents strike back with something equally childish, or simply bite their tongues and blame hormones. But those can be big mistakes. The first is self-evident— tit for tat only worsens a bad situation. But it’s also wrong to allow disrespectful behavior to go unchecked. In fact, when we shrug off rudeness, we’re remiss in our parental duty to teach our children important life lessons.

First, we need to help our children learn the valuable skill of identifying the roots of their frustrations. That’s particularly important now because much of what bothers preteens and teens is not their family’s fault but rather the challenge of navigating friends, school, appearance, and just growing up. We also need to teach girls to express their needs without alienating everyone around them.

Many girls shrink from conflict, and some are still socialized to be nice while they either mute legitimate gripes or act out in backhanded ways. So it’s even more important to help them learn how to say what they want in a way that gets results, as well as teaching them the art of compromise.

If you’d like to have more civil interactions with your daughter, here are some suggestions.

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