Q: “As a mother of four children from 6 to 16, I read whatever I can find on bullying. Yet many articles on this topic (including a recent one in Daughters) fall short of a realistic response to bullying. Rosalind Wiseman wrote, “The best strategy is usually for a girl to get the bully away from  the other girls, describe to her what’s happening, what she needs to happen differently, and have the bully affirm her.” Is she kidding? I believe that bullies are invested in bullying—it makes them feel good. I would love to hear from parents who have more realistic responses to this seemingly intractable problem.”
J.M., Manhattan Beach, California

I think that approach will simply let the bully know “hey, it’s working!” and encourage more bullying. My approach as a child was to ignore the bully as much as possible. That worked with verbal taunts. They were still hurtful, but I refused to let the bullies know they were affecting me, and eventually they found other targets. Fortunately, I was tall for my age, so physical attacks were uncommon. When they did happen, I responded by fighting back with no holds barred—bullies quickly decided that such attacks were a Bad Idea.

With the current school attitudes toward violence, I probably would have been in a lot of trouble. I knew, though, that my parents would back me up if those episodes ever came to the attention of school authorities. My kids know the same. If you’re attacked physically, fight back. We will support you. Long term, though, I think bullying will continue to be a problem as long as adults endorse it through inaction.

An article in a recent issue of Attention magazine, published by Children and Adults with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder, is interesting in that it stresses changing the behavior of “bystanders”—those who see the bullying or its effects but are not directly involved.
C.A., Atlanta, Georgia

I have two girls ages 5 and 11 and bullying is something I always keep my eye on. I see it with my 5- year-old’s friends and hear about it from my 11-year-old. What surprises me most is how insidious this behavior is. I am shocked by how rarely adults do anything to stop it. During the school year I watched two little girls exclude my daughter from a play situation. I walked over to them, and said, “Hey girls. I think the way you’re not letting Jane play your game is making her sad. How do you think you can make her feel better?”

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