Q: “A 14-year-old friend of my daughter’s recently told her that she’d been sneaking out at night to see boys. Should I tell her mother, who is a close friend of mine?”
L.A., Escondido, California

As the mother of 14-year-old and 12-year-old girls, I’ve heard a lot of insider info from both of them about their friends and acquaintances. I have never had to take any action based on this, but it has alerted me to things that I need to talk about with my own girls. This is a hard situation, since telling the other mom could seriously jeopardize the relationship between the mother and daughter, as well as putting the two girls’ friendship in question. Before I decided to tell the other mom, I would have a frank but nonjudgmental discussion with my own daughter. Among the topics I’d bring up would be these: How the topic came up; how she feels about the other girl’s actions; what she thinks I should do now that I know; and whether she thinks I should be told if the tables were turned.

The answers to these questions would give me a lot of clues as to what she’d actually like me to do. Then I’d remind her of the safety rule we have about tattling: If a child tells a parent about something involving an actual safety risk (e.g., suicide, drugs, etc.), it’s not considered tattling. This rule is in place to encourage a distinction between accusations involving petty annoyances and actual safety issues that adults need to know about. If I decided to tell the mom, I’d tell my daughter first, and explain that it was because of the other girl’s safety that I was doing so. But I might also decide that my daughter should have an opportunity to talk with her friend beforehand. I might also say that this girl’s behavior suggested that I should not trust them alone, and that in the future, the two girls would not be allowed to spend unsupervised time together.
E.K., Madison, Wisconsin

I certainly would talk to the other mother immediately about what my child had told me. If what my daughter was told is true then her parents need to know about it, so they can decide on the appropriate action. (Let’s face it: a young adolescent girl out at night alone with boys her age or older is a potentially hazardous situation on a number of fronts.) If it turns out that my daughter’s friend was merely showing off, her mother needs to know about that too. After all, the mere fact that the girl is concocting such stories is a signal that a mother-daughter talk is in order. Perhaps the girl wants to appear cool, or perhaps she is curious about female-male relationships, dating, etc. Either way, this seems like a “teachable moment” that should be taken advantage of. One more thing: I would definitely tell my daughter that I planned to talk to her friend’s mother. Though my daughter would surely worry that her friend would consider her a tattletale, I would gently but firmly explain that her friend might be in a dangerous situation, and that sometimes being a real friend means doing the difficult thing.
L.E., Baltimore, Maryland

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