"My 11-year-old relentlessly criticizes her 9-year-old sister. She never seems to miss an opportunity to pick on her. To make matters worse, the younger girl has slight developmental delays, whereas her older sister succeeds at everything she does. The 9-year-old adores her older sister, and even reminisces about when her older sister ‘used to love’ her. What to do?"
K.S., Hopkinton, Rhode Island

I'd encourage the younger girl to develop her own interests and friends she can relate to, and give both girls space and time apart. Those friends may be a little younger than she is, and that's fine. Finding a Girl Scout troop or something similar may help.
C.A., Atlanta, Georgia

Sibling conflicts often seem linked to stress in the life of one or both children. It may have little to do with the actual issues between the two. For example, I've seen conflicts between sisters arise when one had stresses in school, and seen the conflicts disappear once the school stress did. Sibling conflicts also seem to arise when parental attention and time for kids is low. What's worked for us is to have a house rule that no one should be verbally abusive (i.e., snotty, harsh, rude, etc) to anyone, and when it occasionally and inevitably happens, to follow it up with an apology and explanation. At the same time, we explore what stresses may be going on in our lives and how we can alleviate them.

When there are conflicts, we discuss how they can be fairly worked out. In the family schedule, regularly spend time with each child separately and together for discussing relationship issues, and emphasize that such topics are a crucial part of family life. You have an advantage in that there have been "good times" between the sisters. Perhaps together you can explore with them what might have brought on the change in attitude, and how the older sister can again treat the younger in a loving, respectful way.
H. C., Austin, Texas

My daughters are now 14 and 18. My older daughter used to criticize everything her sister said and did. I was concerned that my younger daughter wouldn't have a shred of self-esteem left by the time her sister was finished with her. I would suggest two things: First, your older daughter must be shown that this behavior is unacceptable, and will not be tolerated. Use whatever disciplinary measures work best with her-take away the computer, the phone, visits with friends. Second, make sure your younger daughter gets plenty of genuine praise from you any time it is warranted. I would also suggest keeping the girls apart as much as possible. I know this isn't easy or convenient, but I spent an incredible amount of energy keeping my girls running in different directions to minimize the time the younger was subjected to her sister's abuse. On a positive note, they are now very close and loving.
N.B., Timonium, Maryland

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