Amber was giving her mother the silent treatment all week.  She was angry about being denied permission to sleep over at a friend’s house.  Late Thursday night, Amber left a note on her mother’s pillow, asking “Mom, please wash my soccer uniform before Friday’s game.”

Mom was angry, too. To show how mad, Mom decided to honor only part of Amber’s request—or, actually, to honor its letter, rather than its actual meaning.

When Amber returned home from school on Friday, in a rush to pack her gear, she looked all over for her uniform.  She finally found it in the washer—perfectly clean, as she asked—but still soaking wet!  Mom had washed the uniform…but just hadn’t bothered to dry it. Amber was late for her game and forced to ride the bench.

When all was un-said and done, Amber’s mother felt defeated.  Having one-upped her daughter in the conflict, it was clear to her that she had lost by winning.  As parents, most of us have been in situations where traveling the low road is irresistible and we become temporarily reckless in our driving.  But anytime we mirror a child’s poor behavior instead of modeling a healthier way to behave, our victories add up to long-term relationship damage and lasting hostilities.

So, what could Amber’s mother have done differently in this hostile un-confrontation?  What can any parent do to avoid the agony of victory and the defeat of healthy communication?  The following guidelines offer parents strategies for maintaining their calm in a passive aggressive storm and responding in ways that lay the groundwork for less conflict-ridden relationships with their daughters.

Know What you are Dealing With

Amber’s silent treatment is a classic example of passive aggressive behavior.  In The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces, my co-authors and I define passive aggression as a deliberate and masked way of expressing feelings of anger.   In young women, common passive aggressive behaviors include:

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