Mother: (looking in refrigerator) “Have you seen the cheese?”
Daughter: “I don’t know where it is.  You blame me for everything.”
Mother: “I wasn’t blaming you.”
Daughter: “Yes, you were.  You always do!”
Mother: (slams refrigerator door) “What is the matter with you!’
Daughter: “Nothing!”

Two minutes ago, everything seemed fine, but now both mother and daughter are angry.  If your daughter is an adolescent, you may have had similar experiences.  If so, it’s good to remember that love and anger are not opposites.  The girl in our example is no less a loving daughter than she was before she lost her temper.  Ander her angry mother still loves her very much.

Yet rage can lead us to say hurtful things we would never say otherwise.  Our task is to acknowledge our anger, while channeling it away from doing harm.  In the process, we model ways for girls to manager their own angry feelings. 

Our adolescent daughters are working to become autonomous.  Day by day they try to figure out how to put distance between themselves and us, and yet remain connected.  This can be a complicated task.  The girl who hugs you good morning one minute may lash out at you the next for forgetting she hates oatmeal.  Finding fault with you allows her to assert her independence.

Mothers bear the brunt of this developmental anger because daughters feel the need to claim their differences from their moms.  Here is a story that fits this pattern perfectly.  A 15-year-old girl was leaving for a party.  “Have a nice time,” her mother said. “Stop telling me what to do!” the daughter snapped.

We parents have reasons for anger, too.  Along with energy and joy, girls bring disorder and challenge into our lives.  Sometimes raising a daughter reminds us of the pain or unfairness of our own adolescent years, and that makes us angry.  We sometimes feel anger when we’re confused about how to protect or parent our daughters.

Authoritative Anger

When I was growing up, I learned that girls were expected to constrain their anger, not to express it openly or directly.  Today, I find that parents still try to shush or deny a daughter’s anger more often than they do a son’s.  Next time your daughter is angry, take a look at your response.  If you are prone to say “I don’t want to hear that from you” or “Calm down. I doesn’t matter,” consider the importance of respecting her angry feelings.  Your daughter’s indignation sends a signal that things aren’t right for her.  It helps her stand up for herself.  She has a right to what I call “authoritative anger,” and so do you.

We express authoritative anger, yet we harness it.  This is anger that makes itself known, yet is never used for attack.  If you get mad and say “I’m furious! When I calm down, we’re going to talk,” you’re modeling authoritative anger.  This is also a standard you can expect from your daughter.  If she calls you names or insults you, draw a clear line for her. Say “It’s fine to tell me you’re mad, but insulting me is not OK.”

In the Heat of Anger

If you both feel angry, ask yourself, “Who is the most upset here?” Take care of that person first.  If you are at your wits’ end, perhaps you can take a few deep breaths or remind yourself that you are doing your best.  On the other hand, if you are only miffed and your daughter is outraged, maybe you can care for her by saying, “I can see you are upset.”

If your anger is beyond control, leave.  An intentional exit prevents you from saying things you’ll regret, and it avoids the power struggle of telling a girl to go to her room.  Try this instead: “I’m taking a break to cool off.  We’ll talk again in an hour.” If you can’t exit, wait.  Let’s say you’re in the car when you feel anger flare.  Look at the clock.  Give yourself 45 seconds before you speak. 

Choose a few words carefully.  Brevity is authority.  Your daughter is likely to hear the first thing you say, but not the second.  Try to begin your first sentence with “I.”  In a moment of fury, any sentence beginning with “you” has potential to be demeaning. “You’re impossible” and “You’ll never learn” leap quickly from an angry tongue.  They linger in a daughter’s mind.

Finally, never hesitate to ask for help.  If you get angry with your daughter often, or if you act on your feelings in hurtful ways, find someone to talk with.  A therapist, a friend, a minister, or a rabbi can help.

Restoring Loving Feelings

Let’s say you were ambushed by your anger.  You blew up or made a ridiculous threat.  What next? Cool off first.  That may take minutes or hours, but at some point your anger will diminish.  Then go to your daughter and say, “I wish I hadn’t talked to you like that.  I’m sorry.” This clears the way for another important message – “I still love you.”  These words never get worn out.  They help us reclaim affection when our anger has passed.

Take Two

After an angry exchange, words like these may help:

Mother: “I’m sorry if you felt blamed by what I said.”
Mother: “There’s nothing wrong with you.  I’m sorry I said that.”
Mother: “I got angry too quickly.  I wish I hadn’t lost my temper.”
Mother: “How could we have handled that differently?”