It started when my daughter was 9.  Virtually every conversation I had with her centered around a request that I buy her something.  I was stunned and angry.  How could she treat me not as her loving dad, but as a walking ATM?

Actually, this problem comes up often between dads and daughters.  Long-standing tradition decrees that men make the monetary decisions in families, and unfortunately, they still tend to get deferred to us.  Also, moms are more prepared to say, “Forget it, kid,” whereas we dads—perpetually uncertain about our bonds with our daughters—are likely to give in. 

I was really in a bind on this issue.  Of course I wanted to provide for my daughter.  I wanted her to feel my love and protection surrounding her, and money plays a role in that.  Yet, I felt manipulated every time she asked me to buy something.  I can see now that we were both afraid.  I feared that when she asked for money, it meant she was using me.  And she feared that if I didn’t give her money all the time, it meant I didn’t love her.  I had to put this money-equals-love notion to rest.

First, we had serious talks about how love and money were very different things—how one can never be budgeted, but the other has to be.  Then I conducted a full-blown demonstration with fistfuls of monopoly money representing the family income and expenses.  These steps helped, but they didn’t completely solve the problem.  In fact, we kept working with this issue until my daughter was 12. 

That year, I tried something bold, giving her the total amount of discretionary dollars reasonable for an entire six-month period.  In return, she signed an agreement that spelled out the necessities I would pay for during that time.  She also pledged not to ask me for more funds.  You should have seen her eyes light up when she got the money, but within six weeks, she had spent every dime.  This left us four long months to process what had happened.  Amazingly, she never gave in to the temptation to beg me for things, and I didn’t give in to the temptation to rescue her.  Yet, somehow, we were as close as ever.  That experiment helped clarify the money issue for us both.  I think we both learned that we were a little stronger and a little wiser than we had known we were before. 

Learn more in my book 200 Ways to Raise a Girl's Self-Esteem: An Indespensable Guide for Parents, Teachers & Other Concerned Caregivers.