A few days ago I was in a meeting when a woman at the table made a comment about “those two hot Italian guys who were in the office the other day.”  I was immediately taken aback, since it was exactly the kind of comment (though the speaker was of a different gender) that I had been trying to exorcise from my own repertoire for years.  I still don’t know how to react to a typically male comment coming from a woman. 

But as I thought about it later that day, I was taken back to a moment many years ago.  My then 7-year-old daughter and I were in the car, stopped at a traffic light, when a woman who looked like a fashion model crossed the street in front of us.  As my eyes followed her through the crosswalk my daughter suddenly asked, “Are you staring at that woman?” I can still feel the wave of embarrassment that came over me at her question.

What a confused and convoluted time to be raising children.  We would all love to have a simple set of rules to live by, but when it comes to gender issues, nothing is simple.  As fathers, we know that what we say and do, particularly as it relates to women, can significantly impact our daughters.  For most of us—raised in a culture that assumes a women’s value is directly related to her looks—that requires a lot of rethinking, particularly before we open our mouths.

Sitting in my car all those years ago, I was ashamed to admit to my daughter that I was staring at the woman because she was stunningly beautiful.  Ashamed because I was caught captivated by physical beauty while in the midst of a daily struggle to teach my daughter that real beauty is not about outward appearance. 

I was ashamed, but I told her anyway.  What better way to show her how deep and difficult this issue was than to allow her to see me struggling to make peace with the difference between my behavior and my beliefs?  Besides, I never wanted to preach to my daughter, to reduce something so complicated to something black and white.  As flawed and rambling as my conversations sometimes were, they were the whole truth as I saw it, and I cannot imagine a better gift.

And my daughter’s reply—“I just thought it was weird she was carrying a Snoopy purse”—reminded me that sometimes I take myself to seriously.

To learn more, refer to my book 200 Ways to Raise a Girl's Self-Esteem: An Indespensable Guide for Parents, Teachers & Other Concerned Caregivers.