Editor’s note: This article was first published in Daughters in November 1999.

(A girl sits on the floor of her room, surrounded by shopping bags.  Her mother comes in the doorway.)
Mother: “What’s all this? We didn’t agree you could buy more clothes this month.”
Daughter: (shrugs, rolls her eyes) “I only bought a few things.  It’s no big deal.”
Mother: “What do you mean, no big deal?  How much did you spend?”
Daughter: “That’s my business.  I used my own money, so you can’t say anything about it!”
Mother: (picks up a shoe, turns it in her hands) “Why are you buying so much these days?”

So you feel your daughter shops too often or spends too much? Maybe you’ve wondered how to set reasonable limits, though you know the pressures on her to buy are strong.  You’re not alone.  As a group, we parents face a problem our own parents didn’t—a cultural climate that leads our daughters to expect they ought to be able to buy everything they want, and now.  Each of the 19 million adolescent girls in our country spends an average of $50 per week on clothing and other personal items.  Typically, half of that is her money, and half of it is yours

Girl Power

Our daughters have never experienced a recession.  During the ‘90s, the only decade they remember well, they witnessed a couple of trends that affected them directly—an extraordinary economic boom and the advent of “girl power.”  Somewhere along the way, these two became entwined.  At heart, “girl power” is a wonderful idea.  My daughters and yours are lucky to grow up during a time when they are told they can do all the things they want to do. 

Yet we deceive a daughter if we encourage her to believe that she can be and have everything at once, or that her personal power is determined by her spending power.  You and I know that the girls we love are so much more than what they buy or wear.  Your job and mine is to be the voice of love and limits in our daughters’ lives.  Every girl can benefit from being reminded that her real power often lies in being able to say “no.”

Two Bras Too Many

Now for a reality check.  I have to confess with some embarrassment that when I took one of my daughters to buy her first bra, we bought not one, but four.  I found it hard to put the brakes on an occasion that was fun, and harder still to talk about limits with a girl who has been a target market virtually all her life.  Much as you might like to, you may not be able to change her shopping habits, or for that matter your own, overnight.  Yet, you can expect to in the long run.  When it comes to money, girls this age are apprentices, and we are their teachers.  Our words count, and the behaviors we model count even more.  If I had it to do over, I’d buy my daughter fewer bras and teach her more about making choices. 

Shopping for Identity

Every daughter in her teens tries out new ways to look, new ways to be.  During these years, she sorts through her options—will she be sullen or outgoing, sexy or sophisticated?  Unconsciously, she is assembling an identity that will carry her into adulthood.  No wonder 8 out of 10 girls say they love to shop.  Digging through a stack of jeans or leafing through a catalog is, in a sense, a reflection of the search for identity that’s going on inside them.  This is why a single purchase can feel urgent to a girl. 
She’s after more than a baby tee or platform boots.  She’s reaching for the opportunity to express what may be a new part of her. 

If your daughter is hanging out too much at the mall, if she’s spending too many hours shopping online, take heart.  Remember that it’s normal for her to be searching at this age. Speak with her about what’s going on, and offer her alternative ways to spend her time.  Most important, remind her that her innate value is intangible and beyond price—it’s not something she can reach for like a sweater on a rack.

Conscious Shopping

Shop these ideas for ones that work at your house:

A budget.  Work with her to determine a reasonable amount to spend on clothes and personal items each week or month.  Then stand by the numbers.

Seasonal clothes.  Ask your daughter to sort through last year’s clothes before she buys anything new.  Take the used items to girls in need. This helps your daughter avoid blind accumulation.

Family decisions.  Talk with your daughter about buying decisions you make as a family.  This teaches her how you determine value.

Wait times.  If your daughter wants to buy an unbudgeted item, build in an automatic waiting period.  Try, “Waiting helps us decide what we really need.  If you still want this in a week, we can talk again.”

The buy-off.  If your daughter is upset, try not to buy items for her to make her feel better.  More than she needs things, she needs your time and guidance.

Advertisements.  Every girl, no mater how blasé she appears, is affected by ads.  Ask your daughter, “What emotions are being used to sell us this product?”  Point out how girls and women are portrayed.

Media-free zones.  Declare media-free nights at home—no CDs, TV or movies.  Pull out the board games and see what happens.  Plan vacations in settings where you and your daughter can escape, even briefly, the pressure to buy.

More memories.  If shopping works to bring you together, use it.  Spend the afternoon browsing.  As you go, teach your daughter the art of “conscious shopping.”  Look, sample and compare.  But bring home more memories than goods.

Gifts of time.  This holiday season, ask your daughter to give gifts of time—a certificate for breakfast in bed or a camping trip together in the spring.  This will remind you both of how much you value things money cannot buy.

Take Two

Ways to begin a conversation about shopping:

Mother: “I worry when you spend so much time shopping.  It keeps you from accomplishing other things.
Mother: “Even if you spend your own money, you have a responsibility to spend it wisely.”
Mother: “I know it’s fun to shop, but I’d like to talk with you about the difference between having enough and having too much.”