(Daughter watches TV.  Mom enters the room and looks at the screen.)
Mother: “My gosh! What’s that?”
Daughter: (without looking up) “It’s just music videos.”
Mother: “I don’t think you should watch that channel.”
Daughter: “M-o-o-o-m, it’s no big deal.”
Mother: (stepping in front of the screen) “Yes it is. You’re only 11.”
Daughter: “So? I’ve seen shows like this before.”

This mom has just run aground on one of the most difficult questions we face as parents today:  What is age-appropriateness for my daughter?  Certainly, our own childhoods are no longer sure guides.  More than once I’ve found that old phrase “When I was your age . . .” rolling off my tongue only to realize that, for all practical purposes, I never was my daughter’s age.  When I was 11 as she is now, TV shows weren’t sexy or violent, and few of my friends’ parents were divorced.  I wasn’t worried yet about getting into the right college.  In many ways, my daughter is growing up much faster than I did. 

How much faster?  Try three or four years.  That was Judy Mann’s conclusion when she researched The Difference: Growing Up Female in America. “Pressures on girls occur at a younger age now,” Mann says.  “If you’re using the benchmarks of your own sexual and social evolution as a guide for what’s going on with your daughter, you’re approximately four years too late.”

Looking for Markers

What changed during the three decades since you and I were adolescents?  Basically, the barriers separating childhood from adulthood have been progressively leveled.  One way to think about this change is by using what sociologists call markers. Markers are events or privileges that define our stage in life.  A bat mitzvah or confirmation ceremony is a marker.  So are family rules that say a girl can pierce her ears when she turns 10 or date when she’s 15.  During recent years, many of the cultural markers that used to protect girlhood have been disappearing.

This is stressful for our daughters.  Adolescents need to win new privileges one careful step at a time.  Otherwise, their lives feel unstructured, ungrounded, even meaningless.

Too Much, Too Soon

That’s what happened to Jenny. A 7th-grader who looked older than her age, she began to hang out with 9th-graders.  “At first it seemed O.K.,” her mother, Pam, remembers.  “I thought she could manage it.” But Pam began to worry when Jenny stopped checking in with her.  On one occasion, Jenny stayed out all night, and the two of them had a terrible fight.  “It was so painful,” says Pam.  “I thought I’d lost her.”  Pam also noticed that her daughter was losing weight and couldn’t sleep.  Jenny was depressed.  “I didn’t care about anything, not anything,” she recalls.  Fortunately, they found help at a crisis center.  “I learned I had let go too soon,” says Pam.  “I had to make some rules and help her live by them.”  It hasn’t been easy, but Jenny’s doing better now.  She has become a peer counselor at the center.  “I know how easy it is t get in over your head,” Jenny says.  “That’s what I tell the girls I counsel.  It messes you up to do too much too soon.”

Try these ideas to help your daughter act her age:

Brace for 12 and 13.  These years tend to be the hardest.  If your daughter hasn’t reached 12 or 13 yet, talk now about your expectations.  Be specific, as in “When you’re 12, you’ll be allowed to ride the bus downtown,” or “When you’re 13, you can wear a little makeup.”

If your daughter is in these ‘tween years already, don’t be fooled by her seeming sophistication.  If you are tempted to allow her to do adult things, look at her bedroom.  Is it still full of childish posters and games?  Are there stuffed animals on her bed?  Remember that adolescence is a stage of childhood, not adulthood.

Never apologize for protecting girlhood.  Your daughter feels pressured to grow up fast.  Help relieve that stress. Say, “This is the only year you’ll ever get to be 11.  I want you to enjoy it.”  Never laugh at her or allow others to laugh at her for playing pretend games, climbing trees, or singing childish songs.  This is especially important if you’re her dad.  Remind her that adolescence is not the time for serious dating, and don’t give her gifts like makeup or revealing clothes that make her look older than her years. 

Use information markers.  When she asks about sensitive subjects, answer her honestly—the truth helps keep her safe.  But don’t overload her with details.  Say, “Does that answer your question, or do you need to know more?”  Shielding her from the baser side of human nature until she reaches her teens is an important marker for both of you.  She’ll feel the difference, and so will you, the day she is 14 or 16 and you say, “You’re older now.  I can tell you about this.”

As she gets older, negotiate more.  When she’s in junior high and has proven a certain level of maturity, be willing to negotiate in areas that don’t compromise her safety.  Try, “Let’s talk about ways you can show me you’re responsible enough to take on this new thing.”  Ask her to come up with strategies for staying safe.

Honor your role.  Psychologists tell us that girls without markers starve for experiences that nurture their sense of identity.  Your hard work on surface issues—even something as obvious as “No, you can’t go to parties that aren’t chaperoned”—has a profound effect.  It provides structure for your daughter’s growing self and tells her who she is right now.

Take Two

These words may help you protect a girl who is trying to grow up too fast:

Mother: “That’s not an appropriate show at your age.  We can talk about it again next year, but for now you can’t watch this.”
Mother: “I want you to have a chance to be a kid.  Let’s find something else for you to do this afternoon.”
Mother: “I’ve thought this over, and I’m not comfortable allowing you to watch this channel anymore.  I may have made a mistake in allowing it before.”

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