Ten-year-old Elena knocked over a hurdle and lost a close race for her track team.  As she trudged toward her teammates, she hung her head and avoided meeting anybody’s eyes.  Seeing her daughter’s discomfort, Elena’s mother, Pauline, hurried to where the team was gathered.  “The wet track made her slip,” Pauline explained to the girls.  “Please be nice about it.”  But Elena looked daggers at her mother, and the other girls did, too.  Pauline could tell that nobody was feeling “nice.”  Se sensed she had mis-stepped but wasn’t sure what she should have done instead.

We never want to see our daughter suffer, so it can be hard not to rush to a girl’s rescue when she makes a mistake or loses a competition.  But when Pauline hurried in to make excuses for her daughter, she kept Elena from learning valuable lessons from her mistake.  In the process, she also asked the rest of the team to stifle their natural feelings of disappointment. 

Avoiding Rescue

How might Pauline have supported Elena without rescuing her?  Here are a few ideas:

Listening first.  The most important thing Pauline could have done is the simplest—listening.  She could have help back her own assessment of Elena’s mistake until her daughter had had time to process it for herself.  In many cases, the best gift we can give a girl who has lost or performed poorly is to be still and let her talk her feelings through when she’s ready to do so.  For example, if your daughter says, “I was awful out there,” you may want to insist, “No, no, you were fine.”  But if you let her tell you how bad or angry she feels, you show your respect for her feelings.

Putting limits on defeat.  Pauline could also help Elena by reminding her daughter that every mistake is limited.  This was only one overturned hurdle, only one lost race.  In cases like this, try saying, “There are more races coming up.  This meet isn’t over yet,” or “Sure you lost that game, but there’s another one next week.”  This can help her keep defeat in perspective.

Making defeat feel less personal.  Psychologists tell us that girls who cope best with challenges are those who learn not to take failure personally.  If your daughter is feeling really down about a loss, help her separate her playing skills from her value as a person.  Try, “O.K., so your catching needs improvement.  That’s something we can work on.” Or “This loss doesn’t change your as a person or a daughter or a friend.”  Always talk about how much professional athletes work rather than about their natural talents.  If you play a sport, tell her about your own mistakes. 

Helping her take action.  Offer your daughter active ways to respond to defeat rather than blindly repeating mistakes or quitting.  Maybe she could use some private coaching from a skilled player.  Perhaps she needs to take a break or simply to relax and remember why the game was fun for her in the first place. 

Letting her know she’s loved.  Christopher Andersonn, coauthor of Will You Still Love Me If I Don't Win?, says that we parents assume our children know they are loved even when they lose—but in reality our kids don’t always know that.  Our daughters need to hear that we love them always, especially when they lose or feel discouraged.  Take a tip from a coach whose team had lost a crucial game.  “I know you tried your hardest and you still blew it,” he told the girls as they rode home in the bus.  “But you could never screw up bad enough for me not to love you.”

Resources

In These Girls, Hope is a Muscle by Madeleine Blais (Warner, 1995). A beautifully written celebration of a girls’ team that loses the game, yet ultimately wins the day.

Will You Still Love Me If I Don't Win?: A Guide for Parents of Young Athletes By Barbara and Christopher Andersonn (Taylor, 2000).  Practical ways to support the feelings of an athletic girl.

How to Mother a Successful Daughter: A Practical Guide to Empowering Girls from Birth to Eighteen by Nicky Marone (Harmony Books, 1998).  Excellent strategies for helping girls think in resilient ways.