Recently, I took my 14-year-old daughter shopping.  She wanted a new dress for a school party.  “You have dresses in your closet,” I told her beforehand. “But I’ve worn them already,” she argued, and I gave in.  In the store, she was distracted by items she suddenly wanted.  She showed me a sweater on sale.  “It’s beautiful,” she said.  She didn’t need one.  I hesitated, but then I bought it—and a skirt as well.  We left carrying our purchases, still in search of what we came for.

The Dark Side of Indulgence

Maybe you’ve had similar experiences.  If your family is typical, you are more affluent than your parents were.  You have more to spend on your daughter than they had to spend on you. Maybe, like me, you sometimes buy too much for her—things she doesn’t need, things she cannot value because she has so much already.

According to Ginger Applegarth, an authority on personal finance ad the mother of a daughter, there is a dark side to indulgence.  When we spend indiscriminately on our daughters, we diminish their ability to become fiscally responsible and independent.  “We run the risk of making them prematurely affluent,” she says.  “It’s one thing to treat your daughter to special gifts now and then but another thing entirely to buy her whatever she wants.  If you give a girl too much before she has earned it, you teach her to be helpless.  She begins to expect that she’ll always live as comfortably as she does now.”  Then when she leaves home and has less buying power, she’ll feel like a failure.  Besides, a prematurely affluent girl is hard to live with.  How often have you felt pressured, as I did when my daughter wanted me to buy that sweater for her? Do you ever fear that your love for your daughter and the money you spend on her are hopelessly entangled in her mind?

Managing Money, Not Just Spending It

According to Applegarth, there’s only one solution to premature affluence.  “Teach financial responsibility,” she says.  Here’s how:

Weekly limits.  From the time your daughter is 6 or 7, require her to manage a weekly allowance, spending what she needs, saving for the future and giving to charity.  When she is 11 or 12, require her to manage this set amount for a month at a time, and as and older teen, for three-month stretches.  Suggest she keep track of her purchases in a notebook or with financial software on a computer.

Clothing.  This is a category in which we most often overspend on girls.  “I’ve seen 11-year-olds with designer purses, and I wonder how those girls will ever become independent,” says Applegarth.  Set parameters before you shop, she advises.  That will help you resist the urge to buy impulsively for your daughter.  Help her understand the difference between wanting an item and needing it by asking her, “On a scale of one to ten, how much do you need this?” Teach her to use delay as a way of determining value.  Say, “If you still are interested in this item a week from now, we’ll reconsider.”

Earning power.  Even today, girls tend to assume that somebody else will always buy them what they need.  Help your daughter learn to earn.  Encourage lemonade stands, baby-sitting jobs and car washes.  Pay her to do special chores.  When she has unusual needs such as money for a school trip or a new CD player, require her to earn or save a portion of the cost.

Peer Pressure.  If her friends are able to buy everything they want, your daughter will feel pressured to keep up.  Say, “I understand this disappoints you, but it’s my job to help you learn to manage money.  You’ll make a difference in the world some day, and you’ll use money responsibly to do it.”

Is She Prematurely Affluent?

These behaviors signal a problem:

Passive consumption.  Does she spend impulsively, buying without comparing value or weighing options?

An attitude of entitlement.  Do her expectations strain your relationship?  Do you feel manipulated when you shop for her?  Do you use money as a fix for her emotional upsets?

Duplicate buys.  Does she buy items she never uses or duplicates of things she already has?

No future plans.  If she’s 9, does she ask questions about how money works? If she’s 14, is she saving for college and finding ways to earn money of her own?