Mother: “Why haven’t you swept the kitchen? That’s your job.”
Daughter: “I played tennis all morning. I’m tired.”
Mother: “It won’t take you long. Go ahead and get it done.”
Daughter: “I’ll do it later.”
Mother: “You said that last week, and the floor is still dirty.  I’ve had enough of your excuses!”
Daughter: “Mom! Cleaning house is not real high on my priority list.  I’ve got plenty of other stuff to worry about!”

If your household is typical, the parents do a whopping 90% of the housework.  In other words, you probably do nine chores for every one your daughter does.  Yet between schoolwork, lessons and sports, your daughter’s life is busy, too.  Should you add weekly or daily housework to her load?

Jana doesn’t think so.  She’s the mother of two girls—12 and 15. “I used chore charts when the girls were little,” she recalls. “But once they became 10 or 11, they started having hours of homework, and that’s their first priority.  Regular chores fell by the wayside.  The girls still help out, but it’s a day-to-day process,” she says, “a continual balancing act.”

Is She Doing enough?

Every family has different expectations and stresses.  Ask these questions as you negotiate the rules and agreements that keep your household humming:

Is she getting your message?  An adolescent girl is in the process of self discovery.  She continually sorts her options.  Will she be a slacker or someone who does her share?  Is she a person others can depend on?  The messages you give her during this formative period are critical.  When you require chores of her, you send the message that you expect her to be responsible.

The question each of us has to answer is this—is she getting that message? Does the work you require of her help her see herself as competent and reliable? At age 8 or 9, simple daily tasks like feeding the cat can accomplish this.  If at 12 she is already responsible for hours of homework, you might end up asking her to help only on Saturdays or on days when she is relatively free.  In some households and for some daughters, that might be enough.  “During that pressed time right before dinner when there are 20 things to do at once, everybody has to put down what they’re doing and pitch in,” says Jana. “They know I really depend on them then.”

Is she linked to the family?  During adolescence, our daughters develop active lives outside the family, yet it’s essential that they remain linked to us.  Is your daughter participating actively in the life of the family?  Even if she doesn’t do many chores, does she do them willingly? If so, her workload may be just right.

However, if your daughter isn’t helping out, call a family meeting.  Ask each person to talk about what he or she receives from the family.  This is a good time to say those things we never say often enough, like how you love and support each other.  Be sure to say, “We’re all in this together.” Once you’ve articulated those values aloud, you’ll have more assurance when you ask you daughter to do her share.  Talk about adjustments and compromises that might help. Does your daughter intensely dislike the particular tasks she is asked to do?  Would a change in the schedule make a difference?

How much help do you need?  Girls are busy, but so are we.  Nobody has much time to do housework.  If you feel overwhelmed with housekeeping, examine your standards.  Are they realistic or based on your childhood memories?  If your standards are reasonable, but you still need your daughter to help more, forget the word “chore.” Instead, use “contribution.”  Adolescents thrive when they know they are making a difference.  Tell her, “It means a lot to me when you help.”

This incentive explains why parenting experts advise us not to pay our daughters for doing regular chores.  Instead they urge us to emphasize that we all help out because we’re part of the family.  Besides, using a girl’s allowance as payment for chores only works until she begins baby-sitting or doing yard work for neighbors.  With an outside source of income, she stops doing her chores and loses a link with the family.

Striving for Fairness

As the parents of girls we also must consider the issue of fairness.  Who does which chores at your house?  Certainly, dads do more cooking and cleaning than they used to, but in most homes, 70% of the housework is still done by women.  And what’s true for parents holds true for kids.  Far more girls than boys report doing traditional housework such as preparing meals and caring for siblings.  Boys report taking out the trash twice as often as girls do and doing yard work four times more often than girls.  Apparently, housework is still girls’ work.

Asking a girl to load the dishwasher or clean the bathroom when others in the household take their turns at these tasks is fair.  But requiring that she do indoor tasks week after week while her brother cuts the lawn or sorts the recyclables is not fair, and our daughters know it.  In face, researchers have found that when girls are expected to conform to strict gender roles, they tend to see fewer possibilities for themselves, and this can lower their self-esteem.  If you have sons and daughters, be sure to assign chores fairly.  Use a chart with rotating tasks, or flip a coin to see who does what.

Even more important is the model you provide as a parent.  If you’re a mom who does most of the housework and also holds down a job outside the home, your daughter is likely to grow up expecting to do the same.  If you’re a dad, remember that your daughter is acutely aware of your attitudes about girls and women and the value of work they do.  Are you doing your share?  Do you express your appreciation for the work that keeps the household running?

Finally, look for opportunities to work as a family.  If everybody pitches in to wash the car, rake the leaves, or walk the dogs, you can spend time together and reinforce your ties to each other.  Family work that’s shared equitably helps the girls we love thrive.

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