“We were snooping in our daughter’s room when we found things that disturbed us.  How can we talk to her about this when we were invading her privacy in the first place?”
N.P., Fort Wayne, Indiana

I’m not sure what these parents can say to their daughter that won’t result in a big blowup.  Can they talk to her about their worries without letting her know they snooped? My own mother found and read my diary when I was in 7th grade, and as a result, she made me break up with my boyfriend.  I was furious with her and thought her snooping was an invasion of my privacy.  So I am particularly sensitive about looking through my 11-year-old daughter’s papers and backpack.  Granted she is still young and I’m not worried, but she has a right to privacy just as I did at her age.
T.R., Cleveland, Ohio

Can you tolerate the opinion of an old-fashioned dad?  Your question about whether or not to snoop raises a noble idea, but maybe a little too noble.  Yes, it’s necessary to snoop through your daughter’s life.  It has nothing to do with her privacy and everything to do with her safety and well-being.  Of course, I trust my 11-year-old daughter, but and occasional spot check will help pacify my mistrust of the rest of the world.  My daughter will face so many danger s as she grows up—from cigarettes to suicide.  I’m not saying it’s my “right” to snoop in order to protect her.  All I’m saying is I’d rather feel ashamed of myself for looking through her backpack than to feel remorse that I failed to intervene in her life when she needed me.
P.B., Louisville, Kentucky

My daughters are 7 and 12, and I can understand how this could happen to a parent, but I think it’s a good idea to play out the scenario of a discovery before you snoop.  If I ask myself, “What will I say to her if I do find something?” then I think twice before looking through her things.  I try very hard to talk directly to my daughters about my worries instead of snooping, even when it’s tempting.  I talk about magazine articles, ads, TV shows, movies and music to register my concerns with my girls.
M.D., Amherst, Massachusetts

I am a single mother of a 12-year-old daughter.  The rule in our house has always been that my daughter’s privacy is a privilege, not a right.  It is her room, but as her guardian, it my job to see that she is safe.  I respect the boundary of her door, and I always will unless something comes up that I really have to investigate.  Should her behavior change suddenly, her grades slip, or her friendships fall apart, then a tour of inspection may be warranted.  However, if she continues on an even keel, what she has in her room is her business, not mine.  Even though her room is messy, it doesn’t mean I have the right to go through her things or even clean up for her.
L.M., Danbury, Connecticut