When your daughter was little, you were the keeper of her hair. The time you spent washing and brushing it spoke to her of your love. And then she turned 7 or 8 and maybe your involvement began to change. During this period of intense identity development, she became aware of what other kids thought of her, and she began comparing herself to other girls. And she started wanting to be the keeper of her own hair.

Because hair frames the face, it’s easy to see how it plays a central role in this evolving self-awareness. If your daughter balks when you decide she needs a haircut, maybe her identity feels threatened. By the time she’s 11 or 12, she may spend hours on her hair. Fortunately, intense mirror-time at 12 or 13 doesn’t mean your daughter will be self-obsessed at 20. It just signals that she’s asking the question that comes naturally at this age—“Who am I?”

Hair is wonderfully useful for answering this question because it is so easy for girls to change. You can see this in puberty ceremonies around the world. There’s always a prescribed way in which a girl’s hair signals her move from childhood to maturity. If her hair has been loose, it’s put up. If it has been worn up, it’s set free.

In our culture, a woman’s hair also represents her sexual power and sensuality. Girls of all ages understand that hair has a mysterious allure. If your daughter says, “I wish my hair was curly” or “I want it to be straight,” this lets you know that she is exploring her own feminine identity and power.

A girl’s hairstyle can also be symbolic of her separation from you. Recently, I heard about a 15-year-old girl who wanted to dye her hair green for a big school dance, but her mother was unequivocally opposed to this idea. When the girl dyed her hair anyway, her mother was angry, but understood that her daughter’s message was “I’m powerful. I’m coming into my own.” Despite her anger, on the day of the dance she told her daughter, “I want to take your picture tonight before you go.” Immediately the girl’s manner changed, and they had a great time taking some memorable photographs.

A phase of hair rebellion can be very difficult for us parents. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that our relationships with our daughters are far more important than their hairstyles, which are, after all, temporary. If we remember this, we can look on with delight and curiosity as our daughters use their hair to define the fascinating people they’re in the process of becoming.

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