Your Questions about Raising Girls Answered

Charles from New Mexico Asks

My daughter gets so much pressure, from friends and the media, about her body image. I really hate seeing her struggle with this problem, but as her father, I’m not sure what I can do—or if I can do anything (since I’m a man). Any ideas?

Dear Charles:

In my book Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters, and the Pursuit of Thinness, I wrote up a list of simple tips that can help. Try them and I think you’ll feel more empowered and help your daughter, too.

Daughters need their dads and stepdads now more than ever. Fathers don’t have to do much to make a huge difference in their daughters’ lives. Showing up, standing by, and listening are the first steps. Here are some more suggestions.

1. Know what you don’t know. Learn about your daughter’s life. Don’t believe that your experience and hers are similar; in fact, you are years and cultures apart. Respect the differences.
2. Consider the many impacts globalization will have on her life. Think about the variety of skills and coping mechanisms she will need to succeed in her world. Do what you can to help her develop these.
3. Show interest in her activities. Don’t just expect her to tag along with you or to like the things you like. Enter her world, by sharing her music, going places that she wants to visit, and doing things she enjoys.
4. Take the quiz, How Well Am I Doing as My Daughter’s Father (www.thedadman.com/quiz.php?q=dadq) to assess the gaps in your knowledge about your daughter’s life. Commit to improving your score and take it again in 2 months.
5. Watch what she is exposed to on TV or the internet. Set rules about both- endless solitary hours with either are not necessarily healthy. Encourage alternative media, like the girl-run New Moon Girl Media (www.newmoon.com).
6. Encourage her to identify and discuss her emotions and opinions. Let her disagree with you without withdrawing your affection. Show respect for the differences between you.
7. Teach her to say no and set limits. This will prepare her for situations that might compromise or even endanger her.
8. Help your daughter develop values other than consumerism. Share some of yours and create opportunities to enjoy nature, reading, the arts, sports, music, cultivation of friendships, volunteerism, or other activities.
9. Show respect for real women of substance. Be aware of your attitudes toward women, their appearance, and their achievements. Point out the contributions women make in your community or family.
10. Watch what you say about women’s bodies. Criticizing women’s weight and appearance has become a normal activity - you may not realize the power of what you say to your daughter.
11. Be Your Brother’s Keeper. Challenge your male friends and associates when they show disrespect for women, objectify them, or make sexist remarks. A little bit of this can go a long way to helping to create a better world for your daughter.
12. Promote respect for all shapes and sizes. Weightism is rampant today. Take stock of your attitudes toward fat people. Become aware of your prejudices and work to change them.
13. Examine your own weight, eating, or body image issues. Men are not immune to these concerns, as they are experiencing more and more pressure around appearance today. Make peace with your own body and treat it well.
14. Maintain a diet-free home. Encourage enjoyment of food, moderate exercise, and a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Rules about food only backfire and contribute to eating and weight problems.
Emphasize inner beauty. Talk about what you value in people and in her. Help her to see that she is more than an image to you.
15. Become more media-literate. Discuss unrealistic images when you see them on billboards, TV or at the movies. Help her to identify and reject the distortions in visual media.
16. Rid your home and work environment of anything that promotes Body Wars or objectifies women. Magazines like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and pin-up calendars breed body dissatisfaction and self degradation. Many standard men’s magazines are full of demeaning images of women. Look around carefully and clean up your space.
17. Let her find and follow her passions. Encourage her in academics, sports, and other activities, whether they are traditionally feminine or masculine.
18. Determine if her school has gender-equity and sexual harassment policies. If they don’t, set up a task force. This will make her world safer.
19. Don’t let adolescence scare you away. When she starts to develop sexually, stay close and involved, while respecting her need for more control and boundaries.
20. Encourage positive female role models. Be sure she has caring women in her life to help her learn about her body and sexuality as she moves through puberty, especially if her mother is not part of her life.
21. Raise better boys. Spend time with sons and boys, sharing your values and helping them to become sensitive to women, instead of leaving them to a misogynistic culture.
22. Let her get to know you. Share your life and interests with her. Be real and honest, and get out of the role of Superman. This will help her negotiate other relationships with male authority figures.

Margo Maine

Margo Maine, PhD is a Connecticut psychotherapist specializing in eating disorders for more than 30 years. She is the author of Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters and the Pursuit of Thinness, Body Wars, and The Body Myth: Adult Women and the Pressure to Be Perfect.