We love supporting healthy media for girls. Thank you Pam Allyn!

Guest blogger Pam Allyn, author of  The Complete 4 for Literacy, motivates children and adults to become lifelong readers and writers. Her amazing work has grown into a non-profit organization called LitWorld International, Inc. Her personal quest to bring literacy to every child and adult is portrayed here in two book reviews.

“Frankly, Frannie”
by A. J. Stern

Frannie Miller is ready for anything and would like very much to have an actual job and be an actual grown up. She does her best to behave in grown up ways, using words like “actually” and “certainly” and even doing her best to learn to like mustard. This very, very young “adult” decides that she should change her name to something more mature; on a whim she chooses Frankly. Unfortunately, Frankly winds up getting into as much mischief as Frannie does. Frankly/Frannie’s class goes on a field trip to a local radio station and things go awry when she decides to fill in for the DJ and take callers’ questions about her town’s upcoming mayoral election. Poor Frankly finds herself in more trouble than Frannie ever was. With the help of her teacher and parents, Frannie realizes that she must take responsibility for her actions and apologize to those who she hurt, however unintentionally. Stern creates a host of believable and recognizable characters that help Frannie through her impish exploits and remind her and young readers alike that righting wrongs can feel hard but their efforts will be rewarded. Frannie is a loveable heroine that will have you and your girl laughing and cheering at every turn!

“Seven Brave Women”
by Betsy Hearne

Seven Brave Women celebrates the accomplishments of seven women in different generations of the author’s family. Though so much of history is discussed through the lens of war, Hearne shows how seven brave women in her family did not fight in any wars but served a vital purpose in helping their families survive and also made an impact on the world they lived in at the time. Each woman’s life is remarkable, though in different ways. One of Hearne’s ancestors started a hospital for women in India, another lived in the same house her whole life and cared for many family members and neighborhood animals. Anderson’s beautiful oil painting illustrations enhance the themes of feminism, pacifism and the celebration of women’s accomplishments that run parallel to the recorded historical events that Hearne describes. Girl readers will feel empowered by the amazing things each woman was able to do, and the love that each inspired in those around her. It is a wonderful way to begin a conversation about the quiet, peaceful ways that we can all impact our world. This history may even inspire some curiosity about your own genealogy and the brave women in your family!

While body image may not seem to be an issue until a girl reaches puberty and her body starts changing, it’s crucial to build a strong foundation of positive body image for your daughter before that time.  How she feels about her body is a key part of a girl’s sense of who she is as she gets older.

1-7 years old

Four year old Grace and her Dad are visiting relatives who don’t see Grace very often and want to compliment her. One calls her “a heart stealer” and warns Dad he’ll have to “watch out for those boys,” while another comments on her “cute figure” and how lucky it is Grace “didn’t get the family thunder thighs.” Grace looks down at the floor, embarrassed, and tries to hide behind Dad.  Dad feels vaguely uncomfortable but doesn’t know quite why or how to respond.

8-13 years old

Eleven year old Katie is normal height and weight, and so she’s started adding noticeable body fat as her body changes from girl to woman.  When shopping for a bathing suit, it’s obvious that Katie’s miserable, even though Mom thinks she looks cute in every suit and tells her so.  Mom’s mystified since clothes shopping has always been one of their favorite activities. Back home, Dad asks to see the new suit.  Katie says nothing and storms off to her room.  Dad says, “What did I do?”  Mom says, “It was a disaster.”

14 and up

Keisha tries on a strapless style when shopping for a prom dress.  She’s small-breasted and the bodice is loose. As soon as Mom suggests a different dress, Keisha gets upset, asking “Why am I so flat?  I need a Wonderbra.”  Shocked, Mom says, “You’re barely fifteen. No daughter of mine is going to look like a call girl.”

Things to Consider

Girls face huge pressures about body image starting at a very young age.  At puberty, even more pressures hit just as her body starts to naturally change and add fat. Bombarded with unrealistic, “perfect” images in movies, TV and advertising, almost every girl has serious trouble feeling good, or even okay, about her body. Many images show girls and women in a hyper-sexualized way, putting emphasis on “sexy” body parts like breasts. No wonder problems with body image are appearing at younger and younger ages.  Plastic surgery among teen girls increased alarmingly in the past five years, a sign that parents are allowing and encouraging it.  Girls with physical disabilities face additional body image struggles and discrimination or ostracizing for how they look.

Every girl needs to know her own strengths, the goodness of how her body works, and how it helps her fulfill her dreams.  Feeling good about her body is a great boost to her confidence. Parents and other significant adults in a girl’s life have the greatest influence on her body image. You can help your girl develop and maintain a strong body image no matter what her natural body shape is and you can you help her fight the inevitable struggles every girl has with her body.   Both Moms and Dads have special roles to play: Mom in how she relates to and talks about her own body, Dad in how he talks about women’s and girls’ bodies (not as sex objects).  Both parents must confront and oppose the presentation of girls and women as sex objects, explaining why it’s harmful.

What to Say and Do

1-7 years old

Regularly praise your own body and your daughter’s body for what it does, not how it looks.

• You are so strong.
• You can kick the soccer ball very straight.

Reassure her that she is uniquely beautiful.  Sincerely praise things she might see as imperfections.

• I love that birthmark on your shoulder.
• Your frizzy hair is so full of energy!

Help her learn to use her body in sports or dance or play, getting joy from its capabilities.

• You sure love to ride your bike.
• Can you teach me that new tae kwon do kick?

8-13 years

Notice when she feels good about her body, create more of those experiences and remind her of them.

• Look at this picture of you dancing when you were little–you look so happy.
• Your whole body concentrates when you’re playing the drums.

Encourage conversation about irrational body image messages, even making fun of them.

• It sure would be great if being taller would solve all our problems!
• It’s ridiculous to see such perfect air-brushed photos in magazines.  They look so fake.

14 and up

Help her identify contradictions and harmful stereotypes about body image.

• Isn’t it strange that fat people are automatically assumed to be lazy?
• Do you think large-breasted women are happier than small-breasted ones?

Encourage her to be active in any activity where her body’s usefulness is not determined by how it looks.

Comment regularly about body shape being determined by genetics. If she’s not your biological daughter take that into consideration.

• Look how much alike you and I were at eight years old.
• I have a round belly just like my mom and Granny.

Let her express her frustrations about body image by listening more than you comment.

• Tell me what bugs you about that.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Use

• If anyone makes negative or sexual comments about her body, say: I don’t want you to talk about my daughter like that.
• Strong
• It runs in our family
• I love your…..

What Not to Say and Do

Don’t make negative comments about anyone’s body, especially your own or hers.

• Look how his arm is jiggling–gross!
• If only I had a smaller waist.

Don’t ignore it when she feels insecure about her body.

• Don’t worry about it.
• You’ll grow out of it.

Don’t avoid talking about body image–she might think there’s something wrong with her.

Just offering clichés, without backing them up by your own actions won’t help her feel good.

• Looks aren’t really important.
• All that matters is what’s inside.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Avoid

Don’t make sexually suggestive comments about her body, even if you think they’re compliments.

Resources

How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body by Brenda Richardson and Elaine Rehr

Real Gorgeous: The Truth about Body and Beauty by Kaz Cooke

www.tbio.org

www.somethingfishy.org

What a wonderful party this was! Central Texas girls of all ages took to the purple runway June 27, showing off their amazing and creative outfits to the enthusiastic applause of a warm, supportive audience at the well-loved feminist Austin bookstore, BookWoman. Girls also created art that expressed their ideas about true beauty and UnFashion outfits for our Beautiful Girls gallery, and girls and audience joined in a post-show chat as we enjoyed moon cookies—with sprinkles!

Check out the fun here with photos and videos of the event! It was so wonderful to see what girls came up with when concocting outfits that expressed something special about themselves and their ideas of what’s fun, interesting, and comfortable to wear. It was great to see how girls helped each other shine, reaching out to girls hesitant to walk the runway as well as coaxing moms to also walk the purple runway and share their ideas of personal fashion with the audience! We even had a fashion blogger who did a lovely blog post on our event, and girls and parents enjoyed browsing the fabulous book selection at BookWoman.

There were so many sweet and thought-inspiring moments. Each girl’s runway walk was awe-inspiring, and fun to learn why they liked what they liked. For example, one girl chose a loose tshirt to symbolize her support for her sister’s swim team; another chose glamorous turquoise mock-leather pants which were a gift from her grandma. BookWoman owner Susan chose a baseball uniform, noting that when she was young, girls were not allowed to wear pants or join baseball teams—rules that were changed over the years by many activists such as Jean Wolf, an older woman who took to the runway in a wheelchair. Jean’s daughter Dana told the audience how Jean went to the school board to protest pants rules for girls—and girls subsequently got the right to wear pants at Dana’s school. (Check out more about current pants activism with our Wear The Pants Day!)

Want to do an UnFashion Show like this where you are? Here’s how we did it. Helen Cordes, New Moon Girls adult editor, partnered with local girls interested in doing an UnFashion show, and BookWoman owner Susan generously offered her store as the setting. We put out the word to local girls organizations such as Girl Scouts and YWCA, as well as local media and bloggers. We got some inexpensive purple fabric for a “runway,” baked some cookies, gathered some art supplies, and showed up for the fun! Find out how to hold all kinds of events that lets more people know about New Moon Girls’ amazing magazine and online community, and let the good times roll!



Appearance

Sasha is only 9 and all of a sudden she’s obsessed about her appearance.  She asked to wear makeup to school every day!  She says only the geeks aren’t wearing makeup.  I know that’s not true.  But what concerns me is that she’s putting so much time and energy into worrying about how she looks and trying to look exactly like everyone else.  She’s a great kid and has so much to feel good about.  How can we counter society’s focus on superficial appearance?  Nicholas

 IF you’re interested in this topic, please take a look at our FREE online Beauty Issue. It celebrates inner beauty and will be on our site only one more week. 

Things to Consider

Our culture places a very high value on appearance.  We often judge people by how they look and dress.  This focus can be harmful to girls when they get the idea that they need to look a certain way for people to like them or care about them.  It tells girls that how they look is more important than who they are or what they do.  It’s a false and superficial standard for judging character and worthiness.  We parents have a key role to play in opposing the messages about appearance that our daughters get.  We need to teach them about their Inner Beauty and its value.

One of the most insidious ways appearance obsession hurts girls is by the vast amount of time and effort that goes into perfecting and worrying about appearance as she gets older.  This is time and psychic energy that she could use to develop her interests and explore  the world around her.  Focusing all that energy on criticizing her own appearance is counterproductive and doesn’t help her feel more competent or valued.  Because girls are exposed to so many messages about perfecting their appearance, they can come to think it’s actually possible to do.  And then they feel like failures if they don’t match the images of unreal perfection that surround us every day.  When we help her value her unique beauty, we give her a priceless gift.

What to Say and Do

1-7 years old

Tell her that she’s beautiful when she’s full of energy or radiating pride.

• You look beautiful when you’re singing.

Describe all kinds of people as pretty and beautiful.

• You and Krissy are very different and you’re both pretty.

8-13 years old

Limit how much you comment on appearance.  Focus instead on someone’s character and actions.

• I want to be as interesting as Leonore when I’m old.  She’s always learning new things.
• Our new neighbors are so welcoming and warm—I like being around them.

Respond to her concerns and questions about her appearance with reassurance and perspective.  She may focus on her appearance when the real issue is something deeper and harder to talk about.

• Going to a new school I know you want to feel as good as possible on the first day.  Wearing clothes you feel comfortable in is part of that but it’s not the most important part.
• You’re not happy with your hair today.  I think there’s probably something else going on, too.  Any thoughts what the other things are?

14 and up

Talk regularly about society’s focus on appearance and how it can be harmful.

• It’s really hard not to buy into all the messages about how you should look.  I struggle with it, too.
• When I’m feeling tired, I worry more about how I look.

Notice when she expresses her true self in her appearance.

• When you wear that shirt I know you’re feeling good.  It’s you!
• You look so jazzy in purple.  It suits you.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Use

·      Inner beauty

·      Authentic

·      Accomplishment

·      Talents

·      Independent

·      Original

·      Unique

·      Gorgeous

·      Energetic

·      Creative

·      Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

What Not to Say and Do

Don’t judge your own or others’ appearance.  Don’t say things like:

• Ugh—I look awful today.
• She looks terrible—doesn’t she care?

Don’t let if pass uncommented if she puts her appearance down. 

Don’t buy into society’s narrow definition of attractiveness. 

Words, Phrases and Actions To Avoid

·      Perfect

·      Ugly

·      Homely

·      Average.

·      There’s just a few truly beautiful people.

Resources

The Beauty Issue, Free online from NewMoon.com

The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf

The Body Project by Joan Jacobs Brumberg

You Are not Your Buttocks by Kaz Cooke

Turn Beauty Inside Out www.tbio.org

 How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

Tabitha’s 11-year-old daughter seems fearless and willing to try anything. “But my 14 year old seems downright mousey,” Tabitha says, “she never stands up for herself, and won’t even ride a roller-coaster anymore.” Tabitha admits that she’s concerned about both girls, one because she lets “blind bravery” rule all her actions, and the other because she seems to completely lack courage.

Things to Consider

Before adolescence, girls are often quite bold and sassy, both bodily and psychologically. They are physically adventurous and daring, willing to try new things and get their clothes dirty. They speak right up with their opinions, even when that strikes others as foolhardy or rude.

However, by the middle school years, many girls begin to silence themselves and become passive. They are taught (and believe) the myth that loud, physical girls are not nice or attractive. So they “go underground,” adapting their words and actions to what they think other people want, rather than valuing their own needs.

For parents, the trick is to encourage courage in younger daughters without pushing them to be foolhardy, and then help older daughters keep courage handy as they pass into the more complicated world of adolescence. Our friends at the national organization Girls, Incorporated put it best when they say they work to make girls Strong, Smart, and Bold.

What to Say and Do

1-7 years old

Girls need to practice courage and experiment with their limits. When girls are young, most of this is in the physical realm.

• Let’s see how far we can ride our bikes together into this really strong headwind.
• Sure, go ahead and climb that tree. If you need any advice or cheering, I’ll be right here at the bottom for you.
• It took a lot of guts for you to tell me that, even though you knew I wouldn’t like to hear it. I admire your courage.
• Show me the bravest thing you know how to do.

8-13 years old

This is the time when many girls seem to move from outspoken bravehearts to meek mouselings. Girls don’t forget how to be brave, but do feel slapped down for showing courage. We can help them remember.

• You say you don’t know how you feel, but I think you do know. I promise not to criticize how you feel, or tell anyone else – so let’s talk about it.
• You are beautiful when you stand up for yourself.
• I really admire how brave you were just now. I like your courage.
• I agree; this rafting trip is scary. That’s part of what will make it fun and thrilling. And I know you are brave enough to do the trip and embrace the thrills.

14 and up

At this age, a girl shows much of her courage by being honest in her peer relationships, especially with other girls. Encourage her to be true to herself and be honest with friends.

• I know you’re struggling with what to say and what to do about this conflict with your friend. I’m here to listen anytime you want to talk it through. And I’ll only give you advice if you ask for it.
• One of the toughest things I’ve ever learned is that I can’t change someone else or how they feel. It takes courage to admit that, and courage to be honest about how you feel and what you want.
• You are beautiful when you stand up for yourself.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Use

·      Give specific positive feedback about her courageous words and actions.

·      Support and/or accompany her when she does things that require courage and risk-taking.

·      Be open (without bragging) about the things you do that require courage.

·      Be an example of living honestly and being true to yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable.

What Not to Say and Do

Don’t buy into the myth that girls are the “weaker” sex and that femininity precludes boldness.  Don’t ridicule your daughter’s fears or courage. Don’t say:

·      You can’t do that; you’re a girl.

·      All girls are scared of that.

·      You’re just a chicken.

·      Keep your mouth shut – girls aren’t allowed to say things like that.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Avoid

·      Lying or denying yourself just to keep someone else from getting upset.

·      Encouraging your daughter to avoid conflict and bad feelings.

·      Believing than girls can’t be courageous and accomplish difficult physical feats.

·      Believing that girls can’t handle conflict openly, honestly and with compassion.

How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

A timely guest post today from Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out and a long-time friend of New Moon Girls. Camp was one of my most cherished girlhood experiences for reasons very close to what Rachel shares here.

Emma, 12, had been at the Girls Leadership Institute summer camp for three days. I couldn’t tell if she was really making friends. She was short and quiet and easily invisible.

One afternoon, I led a lively discussion about girl bullying. A few hours later, there was a knock at my door. It was Emma. Delighted, I started to welcome her, and before I could finish my sentence she was telling me a story.

It was Valentine’s Day in fifth grade, and Emma had driven her best friends crazy with her crush on Zack. It was also the day after her best friend sat their group in a circle at lunchtime and gave them each a grade out of 100. It was a weekly ritual, and each time, she hoped she would make it out of the sixties and into “C” range. Yesterday, she’d gotten a 59, a point below passing.

Today, when she went to her locker in the middle of social studies, the curling, shiny red paper was there, protruding. Slowly, she opened the valentine. “Dear Emma,” it read, “I love the way your fat spills over your jeans when you wear those tight shirts. Will you be my valentine? Love, Zack.”*

She looked out my window, then back at me.

I began consoling her, but she only nodded. She left soon after, and I was confused. By dinner, I knew it didn’t matter. Emma was talking and laughing with the other seventh grade girls. The next day, she began raising her hand in discussions. When it was time for the girls to run their own discussions, Emma convinced her group to return to the topic of girl bullying. She served as the moderator. Then, standing before over 30 people, Emma told the other girls exactly what had happened to her.*

Moments like this are why summer camp changes girls’ lives. During the year, school is a place of permanence and caution; a single mistake can follow you for months. Camp offers a thrilling mix of something new and temporary, creating the perfect recipe for healthy risk taking.

Camp is also a place where girls can meet trustworthy young adults. Emma needed to go to camp to find the adult who could hear her story. At GLI, we’ve had countless girls like Emma knocking tentatively on the doors of counselors after lights out. For girls who don’t have an older sibling or trusted adult, camp is a place to be seen and heard in powerful ways.

Perhaps most importantly, camp helps girls live a lesson many adults are trying desperately to teach. When girls are trapped in toxic friendships, we beg them to see they deserve more. We plead and bargain, coaxing them to sit at a new lunch table, confront the offending friend. Most of the time, girls demur.

Camp gives girls a chance to live a new kind of friendship, one where they get what they truly deserve. Once girls feel what it’s like to be treated well – and know, in their bones, that they deserve it — they carry that knowledge home along with leftover care packages and crafts projects. It’s a lesson no words from an adult will ever match.

I confess that it took me a long time to realize this. I used to think it was my workshops at camp that left the biggest impact. One night, listening to campers talk about how GLI had changed them, it hit me.

“I feel like I can just be my wild crazy self and no one cares,” one girl said.

“People love me for who I am here. No one judges,” said another.

I finally understood why GLI – and indeed, any worthy summer program – truly change girls’ lives. It’s the relationships.

* This story is adapted from Odd Girl Speaks Out by Rachel Simmons.

Also check out Odd Girl Out, Rachel’s first book, and The Curse of the Good Girl, her newest.

* all the book links go to Amazon and New Moon gets a small commission if you buy from these links.

Recently we made a list of 30 great books for girls. We like these books especially because they’re all about girls who are smart, brave, bold, funny, and adventurous! We think girls get enough encouragement to be “nice.” Read more:

Question:
I want Tamika to act nice and have good manners. Sometimes I think she’s sassy just to embarrass me. How can I get her to be nicer? Carol

Things to Consider
Niceness and courtesy are two different things. When we teach girls to “act nice” it’s a double-edged sword. The positive side of nice (true courtesy) is rooted in mutual respect. The negative side of nice is insincere and fake. Teaching girls to act nice when they feel angry, hurt or scared is teaching them to be emotionally dishonest and manipulative. And on top of it, that kind of niceness rarely fools others for long. We want our daughters to be thoughtful and respectful but not at the expense of their own legitimate needs. While parents don’t like to think about it, there are times girls need to be “not nice” in order to protect themselves emotionally or physically. So teaching her to act nice no matter what isn’t a good idea. Instead we want to teach her to respect herself and others and also teach her how to handle it when someone else is dispspectful of her.
What to Say and Do
1-7 years old
Notice when you tell or praise her for “being nice.” Try to use other words and be specific in describing the behavior you’re commenting on.
• I want you and Cassie to play without grabbing things from each other. You can use words and say what you want, but no grabbing.
• It was thoughtful of you to let Raisa go down the slide first. She appreciated it and let you go first the next time.

8-13 years old
When she uses the word nice to describe someone or something, ask her to describe more specifically what she means.
• It sounds like Josh is a good friend. Tell me about him.
• The kids in the band welcomed you as a new member and that felt good.
Teach her that she can be respectful of others without accepting mean or manipulative behavior from them.
• You’re sensitive to her feelings and you want to be nice but it sounds like she’s very insensitive to yours. That’s not a real friendship because it’s a one-way street. You’re being caring and she’s not. You can take care of yourself by not hanging out with her.
• That hurt your feelings. You can tell him you didn’t like it without being mean.
• You want to respect the coach but you feel he was being abusive when he screamed at you. I’ll set up a meeting so we can talk with him about it together.

14 and up
When she starts to have romances, she may feel a lot of pressure to always act nice even when she’s not feeling good. Encourage her to keep in touch with her authentic feelings and express them.
• I know you don’t want to hurt Marty’s feelings but it’s important to be honest. You can tell him you don’t want to date anymore. He might feel hurt but as long as you are kind and honest in how you say it, how he feels isn’t your responsibility.
• It’s hard when one person feels in love and the other person doesn’t. Even though you’re sad that your feelings aren’t returned, it’s better to know the truth than have a fake relationship.
Help her practice how to be honest and respect others at the same time.
• It sounds like you need to tell Leonie how you’re feeling. Does doing that worry you? There are probably a few different ways you could say it. What’s one way?
• When that man was hassling you at the bus stop you did the right thing by telling him firmly that you didn’t like it and to stop it. And it was very smart to start talking with one of the other people waiting there.
Words, Phrases and Actions to Use
• Honest
• Authentic
• Describe people and behavior with words other than nice or not nice.
• Real
• True
• Respect
What Not to Say and Do
Don’t teach her to be nice regardless of how she’s being treated. Don’t say:
• Be nice no matter how other people act.
• Be nicer and maybe they’ll like you better.
Don’t teach her to cover up feelings like anger, fear or confusion by “acting nice”. Don’t say:
• Don’t tell him how you feel—it might upset him.
• Act nice and it will work out fine.
Words, Phrases and Actions To Avoid
• Nice
• Control your feelings
• How you act is more important than how you feel.
• Don’t get carried away.
• Just be nice.
• Girls should always be nice.

How to Say it to Girls: Communicating with your Growing Daughter

One of our Facebook Fans reminded us that it’s Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month. Thank you!

How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

Creativity

Mandy came home from school the other day and wouldn’t show me the drawings she had done in art class. When I asked again, she cried a little and told me that one of the other kids said she was terrible at drawing. I know she’s not a great artist but I don’t want her to shut down her creative ideas. Nita

Things to Consider
Many girls and adults don’t think of themselves as creative. Creativity is often equated with being artistic or craftsy, which leaves many of us and our girls out. And while that’s one definition of creativity, creativity includes much more than pure artistic talent. We’re all creative in our daily lives, as we make friends, solve problems, try a new way of doing something, plant a garden, cook a meal, repair a car, comfort someone, write a note, balance the family budget or rearrange a room.

It’s to your daughter’s benefit to think of herself as creative in all aspects of her life. When she’s facing a challenge or feeling emotionally stuck, thinking of herself as creative will greatly increase her resourcefulness in figuring out what to do. In addition, exercising her natural creativity feels satisfying in and of itself, like when she builds something from legos or when she decides what to be for Halloween. Her sense of herself as creative will be directly influenced by two things: you recognizing and celebrating her creativity in the small things she does as well as the large, and you recognizing your own creativity and sharing it with her.

What to Say and Do
1-7 years old
In their earliest years, girls are naturally creative. Notice and celebrate her creativity in the little, everyday things.
• You thought that up all by yourself.
• You invented a new hairdo.
As she gets older and starts comparing herself to others, she’ll absorb messages that make her doubt her creativity. Counter the doubts directly by pointing out the many ways she & others are creative.
• It’s so neat the way you and Jeris invented that game.
• Dad came up with a whole new way to make mashed potatoes!

8-13 years old
Focus on her unique approach to whatever she’s interested in.
• You always give it your own special twist.
• The outfits you put together are so creative.
Reinforce and support her creative problem solving.
• That’s a tough one but you’re so creative you’ll figure it out.
• How many ideas can the four of us come up with for what to do?
14 and up
Encourage her to develop her creativity in many ways.
• The project you came up with for the science fair is so creative.
• Can you give me some help decorating this package?
Show her your willingness to be creative, even when it doesn’t turn out the way you expected.
• Now I love the new color in the dining room even though it’s much brighter than I expected.
• That tarp managed to keep the tent dry even though the way we put it up was peculiar.
• I’m glad we took the back roads to Aunt Berta’s and saw that cool bridge even though we got a little lost.
Words, Phrases and Actions to Use
• Brilliant
• Inventive
• Your own way
• Brainstorm
• Why not?
• Give it a try
• Experiment
• Unique
• Interesting
• Beautiful
• Gorgeous

What Not to Say and Do
Don’t compare your daughter unfavorably to others, implying that there’s something wrong or lacking in her creativity or with her ideas.
• Look at how much more interesting Ami’s project is—she’s so creative.
• Just stick with the way they told you to do it.
• Your way probably won’t work.
Don’t limit her definition of creativity to the arts or discourage her from trying other things.
• Anyone can cross stitch; but painting is really creative.
• Karate isn’t creative—it’s just about being fit.
Words, Phrases and Actions To Avoid
• Not right
• Perfection
• The right way
• The only way
• The wrong way

How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

Courage

Tabitha’s 11-year-old daughter seems fearless and willing to try anything. “But my 14 year old seems downright mousey,” Tabitha says, “she never stands up for herself, and won’t even ride a roller-coaster anymore.” Tabitha admits that she’s concerned about both girls, one because she lets “blind bravery” rule all her actions, and the other because she seems to completely lack courage.

Things to Consider
Before adolescence, girls are often quite bold and sassy, both bodily and psychologically. They are physically adventurous and daring, willing to try new things and get their clothes dirty. They speak right up with their opinions, even when that strikes others as foolhardy or rude.
However, by the middle school years, many girls begin to silence themselves and become passive. They are taught (and believe) the myth that loud, physical girls are not nice or attractive. So they “go underground,” adapting their words and actions to what they think other people want, rather than valuing their own needs.
For parents, the trick is to encourage courage in younger daughters without pushing them to be foolhardy, and then help older daughters keep courage handy as they pass into the more complicated world of adolescence. Our friends at the national organization Girls, Incorporated put it best when they say they work to make girls Strong, Smart, and Bold.

What to Say and Do
1-7 years old
Girls need to practice courage and experiment with their limits. When girls are young, most of this is in the physical realm.
• Let’s see how far we can ride our bikes together into this really strong headwind.
• Sure, go ahead and climb that tree. If you need any advice or cheering, I’ll be right here at the bottom for you.
• It took a lot of guts for you to tell me that, even though you knew I wouldn’t like to hear it. I admire your courage.
• Show me the bravest thing you know how to do.

8-13 years old
This is the time when many girls seem to move from outspoken bravehearts to meek mouselings. Girls don’t forget how to be brave, but do feel slapped down for showing courage. We can help them remember.
• You say you don’t know how you feel, but I think you do know. I promise not to criticize how you feel, or tell anyone else – so let’s talk about it.
• You are beautiful when you stand up for yourself.
• I really admire how brave you were just now. I like your courage.
• I agree; this rafting trip is scary. That’s part of what will make it fun and thrilling. And I know you are brave enough to do the trip and embrace the thrills.

14 and up
At this age, a girl shows much of her courage by being honest in her peer relationships, especially with other girls. Encourage her to be true to herself and be honest with friends.
• I know you’re struggling with what to say and what to do about this conflict with your friend. I’m here to listen anytime you want to talk it through. And I’ll only give you advice if you ask for it.
• One of the toughest things I’ve ever learned is that I can’t change someone else or how they feel. It takes courage to admit that, and courage to be honest about how you feel and what you want.
• You are beautiful when you stand up for yourself.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Use
• Give specific positive feedback about her courageous words and actions.
• Support and/or accompany her when she does things that require courage and risk-taking.
• Be open (without bragging) about the things you do that require courage.
• Be an example of living honestly and being true to yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable.

What Not to Say and Do
Don’t buy into the myth that girls are the “weaker” sex and that femininity precludes boldness. Don’t ridicule your daughter’s fears or courage. Don’t say:
• You can’t do that; you’re a girl.
• All girls are scared of that.
• You’re just a chicken.
• Keep your mouth shut – girls aren’t allowed to say things like that.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Avoid
• Lying or denying yourself just to keep someone else from getting upset.
• Encouraging your daughter to avoid conflict and bad feelings.
• Believing than girls can’t be courageous and accomplish difficult physical feats.
• Believing that girls can’t handle conflict openly, honestly and with compassion.

How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter