Pregnancy & Parenthood
The statistics about teenagers getting pregnant terrify me. I don’t want Maria to get negative feelings about sex like I did but I don’t want her to get pregnant until she’s old enough to be a good parent. How do I communicate both things to her? Sylvia

Things to Consider
Teen pregnancy declined in the 1990’s but the US rate is still higher than any other developed nation. Pregnancy comes as a shock to some teens and is sought by others. In many situations, she will deal with all the momentous decisions of pregnancy on her own since many boys don’t stay involved in the relationship for long. She’ll have to decide whether or not to have an abortion. If she continues the pregnancy, she will face a decision of whether to give the baby up for adoption or take on the responsibility herself. Parenthood is a very heavy responsibility for a teenager and few of them are prepared for it. It’s not the end of the world but it is a very tough road to take. We want to support her in such a difficult time but we don’t want to take over her responsibility for her. Some teen mothers say having a baby is what gave them motivation they’d been lacking to get more education and work for a better future for themselves.

As parents, we’d rather she find another way to increased motivation. We want her to be able to finish her own maturing before she’s responsible for another life. We want our potential grandchild to get mature parenting. And we certainly know the demands and the rewards included in being a parent. So the question most of us ask is how do we help her not get pregnant before she’s ready to make a mature, conscious decision? A study in the April 2002 issue of Pediatrics showed self-esteem plays an apparent role in the loss of virginity among adolescents. Self-esteem had opposite effects on young girls and young boys. Young girls with high self-esteem were less likely to engage in early sexual activity, while boys with high self-esteem were more likely.

Different parents have very strong and very different values about how to handle the issue and you want to find a way to honor your values and also safeguard your daughter’s future. Start by informing yourself of the realities of teen pregnancy rates and the scientific research that’s been done on what is successful in prevention. For her wellbeing, set aside any prejudices you may have about certain sources of information and look at a variety of material and advice. That way you’ll know what research says and also have a choice of approaches to take. Take your daughter’s personality and behavior into account as you decide how to approach this with her. And start early giving her clear facts as well as statements about your values.

What to Say and Do
8-13 years old
Talk in daily life about what it’s like to be a parent. Be open about all the responsibilities it includes. Talk about the rewards and also the sacrifices or struggles of parenthood matter-of-factly.
Talk about pregnancy as a decision she has control over, not just an accident that happens.
Regularly give her factual and specific age-appropriate information about how pregnancy occurs and can be prevented. Present this information separately from talking about your values. If you’re uncomfortable doing this, get her qualified adult help (doctor, counselor, clinic) to do it.
• You can prevent pregnancy two ways: by not having sex and by correctly using certain kinds of birth control.
• Teach her how to track her menstrual cycle.
Share your values about teen sex, abortion and pregnancy. Talk honestly about your experiences as a teen and your pregnancies, teen or later.
• Dad and I were using unreliable birth control when you were conceived. We didn’t plan to have a baby yet.
• Of course I love you very much but I wish we had waited a few years to start our family. We would have been more prepared.
• I would like you to be an adult before you make a decision as big as having a baby.
• I feel that when I started having sex I wasn’t ready. I did it to please my boyfriend. But it turned out that I felt guilty about it until I was older.
Ahead of time, think through how you will respond if you find out she’s having sex or is pregnant. Discuss it with her other parent and stepparents.
14 and up
Understand that the likelihood of her having sex before the end of high school is high. Be informed, not naïve. Talk with her about the statistics, peer pressure, etc.
Accept that ultimately when to have sex is a decision she will make for herself. Listen carefully and respectfully to what she tells you about her values.
• In the end, it’s up to you to make that decision. I want you to feel prepared and be able to think it through.
• The desire for sex can be very strong and that’s a good thing. My hope is that you’ll be able to balance that with doing what you decide is best for you. I wasn’t able to do that until I was 18. Before that I was just looking for approval.
Continue to let her know and see your values.
• I feel very strongly that it’s important to know someone very well and to feel deeply committed before you think about having sex.
• We believe in waiting until you’re married to have sex. I know it’s unusual but Mom and I did that and we’re glad.
• We want you to know you can always talk to us about this and we’ll listen to you with an open mind, no matter what.
Words, Phrases and Actions to Use
• Responsibility
• Trust
• Maturity
• Birth control
• Abstinence
• Sexual desire is natural.
What Not to Say and Do
Don’t hide the difficulties or over-romanticize babies and parenthood. Don’t say things like:
• Babies make you happy no matter what.
• Babies are easy—they sleep most of the time.
Don’t fail to give her lots of facts and information. Don’t say things like:
• You can find out about that when you get married.
• You’re too young to ask about that.
• All you need to know is don’t have sex and you won’t get pregnant
Words, Phrases and Actions To Avoid
• You shouldn’t even think about that.
• You have to tell boys no.
• Boys can’t control themselves so you have to.
• It’s your fault.