Tabitha’s 11-year-old daughter seems fearless and willing to try anything. “But my 14 year old seems downright mousey,” Tabitha says, “she never stands up for herself, and won’t even ride a roller-coaster anymore.” Tabitha admits that she’s concerned about both girls, one because she lets “blind bravery” rule all her actions, and the other because she seems to completely lack courage.

Things to Consider

Before adolescence, girls are often quite bold and sassy, both bodily and psychologically. They are physically adventurous and daring, willing to try new things and get their clothes dirty. They speak right up with their opinions, even when that strikes others as foolhardy or rude.

However, by the middle school years, many girls begin to silence themselves and become passive. They are taught (and believe) the myth that loud, physical girls are not nice or attractive. So they “go underground,” adapting their words and actions to what they think other people want, rather than valuing their own needs.

For parents, the trick is to encourage courage in younger daughters without pushing them to be foolhardy, and then help older daughters keep courage handy as they pass into the more complicated world of adolescence. Our friends at the national organization Girls, Incorporated put it best when they say they work to make girls Strong, Smart, and Bold.

What to Say and Do

1-7 years old

Girls need to practice courage and experiment with their limits. When girls are young, most of this is in the physical realm.

• Let’s see how far we can ride our bikes together into this really strong headwind.
• Sure, go ahead and climb that tree. If you need any advice or cheering, I’ll be right here at the bottom for you.
• It took a lot of guts for you to tell me that, even though you knew I wouldn’t like to hear it. I admire your courage.
• Show me the bravest thing you know how to do.

8-13 years old

This is the time when many girls seem to move from outspoken bravehearts to meek mouselings. Girls don’t forget how to be brave, but do feel slapped down for showing courage. We can help them remember.

• You say you don’t know how you feel, but I think you do know. I promise not to criticize how you feel, or tell anyone else – so let’s talk about it.
• You are beautiful when you stand up for yourself.
• I really admire how brave you were just now. I like your courage.
• I agree; this rafting trip is scary. That’s part of what will make it fun and thrilling. And I know you are brave enough to do the trip and embrace the thrills.

14 and up

At this age, a girl shows much of her courage by being honest in her peer relationships, especially with other girls. Encourage her to be true to herself and be honest with friends.

• I know you’re struggling with what to say and what to do about this conflict with your friend. I’m here to listen anytime you want to talk it through. And I’ll only give you advice if you ask for it.
• One of the toughest things I’ve ever learned is that I can’t change someone else or how they feel. It takes courage to admit that, and courage to be honest about how you feel and what you want.
• You are beautiful when you stand up for yourself.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Use

·      Give specific positive feedback about her courageous words and actions.

·      Support and/or accompany her when she does things that require courage and risk-taking.

·      Be open (without bragging) about the things you do that require courage.

·      Be an example of living honestly and being true to yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable.

What Not to Say and Do

Don’t buy into the myth that girls are the “weaker” sex and that femininity precludes boldness.  Don’t ridicule your daughter’s fears or courage. Don’t say:

·      You can’t do that; you’re a girl.

·      All girls are scared of that.

·      You’re just a chicken.

·      Keep your mouth shut – girls aren’t allowed to say things like that.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Avoid

·      Lying or denying yourself just to keep someone else from getting upset.

·      Encouraging your daughter to avoid conflict and bad feelings.

·      Believing than girls can’t be courageous and accomplish difficult physical feats.

·      Believing that girls can’t handle conflict openly, honestly and with compassion.

How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter